Knockin on Heaven's Door

Dear Bhagwanji,
I am a 24 year old human who hasn’t achieved anything in life. I haven’t hurt many in my short life span till now (Gosh!! slaughtered the bug barking in my ear last night!) and don’t plan to do so in near future as well. I have been told by my peers that if I’ll do no evil, I’ll get a seat at paradise. 
Sir, as you must be aware how difficult it is to lead an ascetic life on earth. With so many vices enticing me, I have still kept myself at a distance from all the sinful activities (although not by choice, but by compulsion). I have spent my last 24 years living as in a hell and want to change my fortunes now.
With all for my self control and conservative nature, it is getting difficult for me to not fall into dungeon of temptations. I would be thankful to you if you could give me a PPT on facilities available in Paradise which would motivate me to walk down the path of austerity. I have some fancies of paradise (based on Hindu mythological serials) which I’m listing underneath; I hope I would get much more than them (with no hidden costs).  
Regards
Paras 
Human No.: 4.69 billion (+- 100 million)
Expectations:
1. Apsara: I have extreme respect and liking for Urvashis, Manekas residing in Paradise. I have been told that most of them are siphoned off by Lord Indra, but I do hope that I’ll get my share.
2. Madira: I have a fondness for Beer, Vodka and Scotch. I sincerely hope the Madira served would be at par. As propagated by mythological serials and movies, I am expecting juicy grapes presented by ballerinas with madira paan going in tandem with dance shows. (I do hope none from saffron brigade would come and stop the party). 
3. Food: Although I’m not much of a foodie, but I’m bit skeptical about the food quality and variety served. Since, food must be prepared at a huge scale for every inhabitant; I wish some hygiene standards would be maintained. As confirmed by every Hindu feast offering free food, hygiene and cleanliness are of least importance. Also, some decorum is expected, found missing down here.
4. Ego satisfaction: This indisputably is the most important feature. As I have already briefed you of my ascetic life, I want to payback to all the scoundrels who have bullied me, made me feel jealous and were everything that I wanted to be, but could never become. Trusting your wisdom my lord, I’m sure all of them must have already been given a reservation in Hell (reservation reminds of one more thing, does thugs, thieves and criminals but SCs/STs or OBCs, have a reservation in Paradise?). Now I want to give them everything back with interest. I want to tease them, laugh at their despair and mock them. 
5. Diversity: Since Muslims have their own Jannat, Christians have a booking at Heaven and we Hindus have a Swarg. Sir, does that mean there would only be Hindu beauties up there or do we have an arrangement of communal exchanges with other paradises as well. Please Sir, if we don’t have such an arrangement, then please send your external affairs minister to enable human (or souls) travel across different paradises (for beauties, we could have a Miss Paradise competition there!!).
6. Communication: A secure, free and fast mode of communication is anticipated. Since, most of my friends would be in hell (bad company!); I need to communicate with them at regular intervals. I would need a fast mode of transport (I hope you people must have done away with chariots by now!), a mobile connection (with no connection hassles and unlimited talk time) and broadband connection (with no quota time, download limit, access to all sort of sites including explicit one.).
7. Television: A big LCD with a BOSE (Hindu owner) home theatre system would do for me. It should have access to all the channels (I hope there would be no Information and Broadcasting Department there, who themselves see all the naughty stuff, but don’t allow us to see any) except for news channels (only thing I’ll probably miss is news on Amitabh’s latest blog, Aamir’s dog baptism and Mr Talwar’s family drama.). 
8. In addition to this I expect some routinely stuff (How easily I have said routinely, we haven’t been able to fulfill this routinely stuff even after 60 years of Independence.) like 24 hours water (clean would be preferred) and electricity supply, smooth and wide roads, health and medical facilities (I doubt whether souls get sick, but still anyway why take chances!) etc.
Sir, these are the only expectations of your humble servant and I know I won’t be disappointed, unlike company’s CTC which promises a lot and delivers nothing.